The Nintendoland Tales
by Kamejen
Summary: [Entertaining Anecdotes from My Adoring Subjects] This is a fic I've written under the Pen name of Shuko. Basically, it's just a fic about what life in Nintendoland would be like if I were the allaround supreme ruler and deity. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

My story takes place in Nintendoland – a magical place that can at times be beautiful and wonderful, and likewise at times can be ugly and harsh. There are many inhabitants of Nintendoland as well, and all of them are different. It is a magical hodgepodge of variety in a neat little package, with little villages and towns, all the way up to big cities and kingdoms strewn across the multi-faceted countryside. But however varied and divided Nintendoland may seem, it is actually a rigidly structured world, with everything and everyone situated in such a way as to suit the needs of one entity. And to the inhabitants of Nintendoland, there is no question as to that entity's identity. I am Nintendoland's supreme ruler, and omniscient being. I am Shuko, and I am **the Player**!

This is a project I have set out to undertake, for the benefit of you, the readers. I have decided to produce an archive of my exploits in Nintendoland, and how my… er, benevolent rule has affected its citizens. In these archives you will find first-hand accounts of my guinea pigs, er… I mean, _adoring subjects_, and their everyday failures and successes of life. I hope you'll join me for this, the first of many accounts of some of my favorite subjects.

**Tale 1: Luigi the Plumber's Tale of Brotherly Compassion**

I decided one day that Luigi and Mario Mario (A.K.A. the Mario Brothers) were being stretched too thin in their valiant efforts to keep Princess Toadstool and the Mushroom Kingdom (among other various places and peoples) from harm, and I felt they needed a well-deserved vacation. So I created robotic doubles of them and set them loose on their enemies. Heheh. They were very lifelike indeed. They even managed to eat any and all Italian food their aroma sensors could pick up within a twelve-mile radius.

After sending the robotic doubles on their mission, I dropped by the Mario household for a visit. After all, I needed to be there in person to congratulate the brothers on a job well done, and take them to their new vacation spot! I saw no need for the customary knock on the door. After all, I am the Player, and I can transcend their world completely. I simply teleported myself into their dining room, where they happened to be eating lunch.

"Hello there!" I cried. "Behold, and be amazed!"

"Mama-mia!" Mario cried, falling backwards off his chair with a crash, and his plate of Tortellini sailing high into the air above him. It splattered messily into his face. Luigi leapt into the air, and grabbed onto the overhead light fixture. He dangled there, his arms and legs wrapped tightly around it, gaping at me and trembling like a mouse.

"Luigi, for Pasta's sake! Where's that emergency fire flower! It's the Player!" Mario bellowed, scrambling to his feet. Luigi just whimpered something unintelligible.

I laughed. Do you see how much my subjects adore me? Already Mario is thinking of gifts to give his benevolent ruler! "Fear not, Mario Brothers," I cried magnanimously. "I did not come here to receive gifts. I have come with a gift for you instead! Behold!" I cried, waving my arm and transporting us all to the destination I had picked out for them.

"Mommy!" Luigi squeaked as he fell clumsily to the ground, his overhead light having disappeared.

"What in the name of plungers…?" Mario asked in disbelief as we arrived in our destination.

"Ta-Da!" I cried, slapping him on the back and laughing. "In recognition for all your hard work, you two are being given a well-deserved vacation! Welcome to the delightfully secluded island of Wiki-Wawa!"

"Wha-… Wha-…?" Luigi spluttered, scrambling to his feet and gaping about him in amazement.

"No, Wiki-wawa, silly boy," I laughed, beaming at him proudly. Enjoy yourselves boys! Here, there are no Bowser bozos, no traffic, no stress of any kind! You can just kick back, relax, and live off the land! Enjoy!" I began to dematerialize then. I decided it was best to let them get started with the fun right away! See how kind and thoughtful I am!

Well, now that you readers know what a wonderful ruler I am, I'll go ahead and let you read Luigi's account of their fun-filled getaway. But… you might want to keep in mind while you read it that Luigi Mario is a pathetic, ungrateful coward who has never liked me for some strange, unknown reason. Enjoy!

* * *

Luigi's Log of Terror: Day 1  
Today the Player decided that we didn't have enough pain and suffering in our lives, so she deserted me and my brother on this terrible uninhabited island. We made a detailed scan of our surroundings, which was of course Mario's idea. I would have been content with staying out on the beach where we could see if something was coming… 

Anyway, we have learned that we are on a small island – only about two miles long and one mile wide. There is a small forested area on the western half of the island, and at the end of that there are tall cliffs looming over the sea, with violent surf and jagged rocks at the bottom. On the eastern end of the island there is a small reef extending out into the ocean for about a half a mile. We've discovered that there is an abundance of colorful fish out there just beyond the reef, but neither of us wanted to dive in and explore it any further, after we saw the telltale dorsal fins of sharks following us alongside the reef. You won't ever catch me out there during high tide.

Luigi's Log of Terror: Day 2  
There are a few fruit-bearing trees on the island – mostly coconut, mango, guava, and breadfruit, as near as I can tell. Mario doesn't seem to know anything about finding food on his own, which is surprising considering how much he loves to eat it. I'm finding that I have to watch him constantly to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. He's already begun to complain about the lack of pasta trees in this place. I wonder how long the Player plans to keep us here. I hope it isn't long…

Luigi's Log of Terror: Day 5  
Well, we're still here, and we're still alive, thankfully. Mario and I have managed to construct a small shelter made of palm fronds and driftwood. I've been showing him how to weave mats with the long leaves off the palm fronds, and I've been able to keep him busy with that while I forage, but it isn't easy. He gets restless more quickly nowadays, and keeps wanting to go fishing on the reef. I'm sure we can manage to fashion some makeshift fishing poles, but the sharks worry me. And what worries me more is how things will turn out if Mario decides he wants to go swimming. He's actually a lot stronger than I am (physically speaking) and if he ever gets the idea into his head, I may not be able to stop him. I don't trust the waters around here. The one reef we've located may be the only one that's visible above the water, but there may be many more beneath the surface. And if there is one school of sharks, there may be others – not to mention morays, sea snakes, Cheep-cheeps, and lots of other water-bound nasties. Fortunately, we have managed to locate a small spring near the center of the island where we can get fresh water. But neither of us wants to swim in it and risk making it undrinkable. I hope the Player lets us off this awful island soon!

Luigi's Log of Terror: Day 18  
Where the heck is the Player! This crappy place is a nightmare! Mario has gone completely crazy, and has begun calling me his "precious little Linguini" and licking his lips when he sees me. I fear he's been eating hallucinogenic plants of some kind, and I'm beginning to fear for my life at night. It's gotten so bad that I've stopped sleeping in the same shelter with him, and have taken refuge in the tall coconut trees, which thankfully, he's not yet learned how to climb. When that blasted Player comes back, she's going to get a face full of sand!

My only comfort lies in a magical breadfruit I've found that seems to have the power to send thoughts into my brain. He's wonderful! But Raymond (the breadfruit) is telling me I need to stop writing now and give him a neck rub, so I'd better go for now. I'll try and write some more tomorrow.

Luigi's Log of Terror: Day 32  
Raymond passed away today. He met his demise when he propelled himself out of the coconut tree, screaming "the warthogs, they are a comin'!" into my brain as he fell to his doom below. I was afraid all day that if I moved the warthogs would get me, so I didn't move, and got a wonderful sunburn all over my back. I have since concluded that Raymond was a bloody liar, and he was only trying to trick me. I do, however, see Mario below me, and he's saying something about sharks that walk on land… I'm glad I don't walk on land anymore. That's how they get your toenails, after all. And we all know that if they get your toenails, they'll take over the world.

* * *

Erm… yes, well, shortly after that last entry was written, I came back and told the boys it was time to go back to work. Their robot counterparts had created an Italian food shortage throughout the entirety of Nintendoland, and Bowser was suing me for all the trauma they'd caused him and his Koopalings. Of course, no court in the world would convict me, since I have all possible jurors scared spitless… I mean, filled with adoration… yeah. So anyway, I plucked the Mario brothers away from their island paradise and put them back into the Mushroom Kingdom so that they could pick up where they had left off. I have yet to hear a complaint.

Stay tuned for my next account, in which I send Kirby on a field trip to the wonderful world of Hoenn! Until next time, Game On, beloved readers!


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again readers! How is everybody? Ahem. Today, I'll be sharing with you a favorite tale of mine – one that I'm sure will become one of your favorites as well. In today's story, you'll get to hear the first hand account of the famous Kirby as he makes an exciting trek through the wilds of Hoenn!

Where/what is Hoenn, you ask? Well, as some of you may not know, Hoenn is a wonderful place in Nintendoland where Pokemon reside. And how did Kirby wind up there, you ask? Geez, you people ask too many questions! Well, I guess it all started because of a secret I learned from Tokkori one day in a visit to the Kirby household.

**Tale 2: A Pink Puffball's Romantic Failures**

"The Player has arrived!" I cried as I appeared before him. Tokkori squawked in surprise and fell down the flight of stairs he was walking down.

"Oof!" He grunted, landing painfully on his face, his beak scraping a deep groove into the floor. "CRUD!" He shouted angrily, getting up and grabbing his beak. "I just finished waxing this thing! Give a guy a warning next time, will ya?"

"Oh! Hello Tokkori!" I said cheerfully, happy that he was so pleased to see me. "Nice to see you again! Where's Kirby? I thought I'd discuss a few things with him today."

Tokkori smiled shrewdly. "He's upstairs washing up. I er… _accidentally_ spilled some paint on him while we were painting the living room. He's kind of blue right now," he chuckled.

"That sounds very festive!" I remarked, imagining how Kirby would look blue instead of pink. "He should give it a try instead of washing it off right away!"

Torkkori laughed. "That's what _I_ told him!" He said with a grin. "But you know Kirby. He's always so _negative_ about things like that. Did you know," he said in a hushed voice, motioning for me to come closer, "that he's actually very self-conscious about his appearance? Him! That pink puffball! I'm guessing it's 'cause he isn't having much luck with the ladies!"

"Really?" I asked in surprise. "The poor guy! What he needs is to meet some new ladies then! Maybe I should send him somewhere where he can meet some pretty strangers if he's having no luck here…"

"That's a GREAT idea!" Tokkori exclaimed. "He'd love that!"

"Very well then!" I cried, nodding at Tokkori and beaming. "I know just the place where Kirby can strut his stuff and look good for the ladies! I'll send him on a field trip into Hoenn!"

"Darned if I know where you're talking about, but if it's you that picked it out, I'm sure he'll be _ecstatic_," Tokkori chuckled merrily. "Oh, but don't tell him I gave you the idea. He's kind of touchy about that subject you know."

"Right!" I agreed. "Good bye for now, Tokkori! Perhaps I should reward you later for being such a good friend to Kirby!"

"Oh no, your greatness, Ma'am," he said quickly, his eyes widening (in embarrassed modesty, I was certain). "That's totally unnecessary! I just want Kirby to feel better about himself, heheh."

"So be it!" I cried, and with a wave of my arm, I transported myself to Hoenn, and summoned Kirby after me. He appeared on the grass where I had summoned him – covered in soap suds.

"Great balls of fluff!" He shrieked. "What happened to my house? Wha? Where am I!" He looked at me and tripped on the now-slippery grass. "Yah!" He yelled. "It's the Player!"

"Fear not, Kirby," I said kindly. "I am not angry with you for being so undignified in my presence. As a good and generous ruler, I can forgive nearly any mistake!"

"Er… uh, yeah," he laughed nervously. "Um… where exactly am I, Player Shuko? And why did you bring me here in the middle of my shower?"

"You are in the scenic land of Hoenn!" I cried, sweeping my arms open wide. "Isn't it beautiful? And just so you know," I added, elbowing him with a sly grin. "There are lots of lovely ladies here. You only have to look. Well, I'd better get going now. Lots to do today!"

"Wait a minute!" Kirby yelled as I began to dematerialize. "What the heck do you want me to do here!"

"Just be yourself, dear Kirby," I laughed at him. "A girl should expect nothing more of you than that!"

"Huh?" He said, obviously confused. The poor guy. I guess the concept had never occurred to him before. As I left him to his impending amorous adventures, I hoped that he'd find true love at last.

So that's how Kirby came to be in this wonderful land of love and adventure! Care to hear his tale? I must warn you; poor Kirby is actually quite dense in the matters of the heart. It's even worse than Tokkori had said! Be prepared for a tale of heartbreak and woe as only our poor clueless Kirby can stumble into.

* * *

My Trials in the Barbaric Land of Pokemon  
Okay, here's the thing. The Player has completely lost her mind. Not only did she abduct me in the middle of the shower, but she dropped me in one of the most frightening places I can ever remember having been to. She called this place Hoenn. I call it Insanityville.

My fun and adventure began when I went to a nearby stream to wash the remaining soap from my body. I had no sooner jumped into the water than I felt something slimy wrap around my foot. I felt the grip of whatever it was tighten around me, and I began to struggle violently to free myself. I finally did get loose, thanks to how slippery the soap had made me, and I scrambled back up onto the bank. I looked down into the water, and saw what looked like an enormous jellyfish (with EYES! 0o) staring at me from just beneath the surface of the water. What kind of stream has jellyfish in it, for crying out loud? I took off then, and ran into a forest that bordered the stream twenty or so feet away. I'd had a sudden urge to find a place to hide – being out in the open seemed like a bad idea.

I walked along between the trees for an hour or so with relatively little incident. But suddenly it occurred to me that I was lost. I didn't know how far I had to go to get out of the forest, nor did I even know how to get back to where I had entered. I was just about to try sucking in some air and flying up above the trees for a better look, when I heard a rustling in some bushes nearby.

"Wh- who's there?" I said, trying not to let my voice quiver so much. "Show yourself!" A young human boy popped his upper half out of the bushes, his face filled with astonishment.

"Holy Miltank!" He cried. "That Jigglypuff talks! I've got to catch him!"

"Oh boy," I said in mock enthusiasm. "This is bound to end well."

"Pokeball go!" The kid cried, hurling a red and white ball at me with all his might. I didn't dodge it quickly enough, and it hit me square in the face, bouncing back out in front of me. It landed in the leaf litter at my feet.

"Yowch!" I cried angrily, rubbing my face where the ball had struck me. "What's the big idea? What'd I do to you, you little brat?"

"Aw shoot," the kid said in a disappointed tone, obviously ignoring me. "I guess that traveling salesman musta sold me some faulty balls. I guess I'll have to catch you the hard way then! C'mere, you rare Jigglypuff, you!" He leapt out of the bush and bounded toward me.

"Yaaaargh!" I screamed, turning and running for my life. I had no idea who this Jigglypuff character was; all I knew was that I had a lunatic chasing after me in a strange, seemingly endless jungle. Yay! Such fun! The Player must love me to death!

As I ran through the woods, I tried to think of some way to lose this weirdo. We were running way too fast for me to suck in anything to send back at him. Besides, I didn't trust any of the stuff this place had laying around anyway. It'd probably make me sick. Suddenly, inspiration struck, and I knew what to do. I grabbed a stick off the ground as I ran, and brandishing it like a sword, skidded to a stop, and lunged at the boy, prepared to beat him silly with it.

"What the?" He cried, stopping short of my lunge. "It's gone crazy!"

I swung at him again, snarling viciously. He dodged it – just barely, and began to back away.

"This isn't right!" He exclaimed, jumping just beyond my reach as I swung again. "The heck with this! I don't want you if you're this insane!" He turned and fled then, and as I watched him go, I dropped my stick and leaned against a nearby tree. Panting heavily from my exertion, I tried to figure out what I should do next. I looked around and realized that I had reached the border of the forest, and was near the base of a rocky band of hills and mountains. The sun was beginning to set, and I was becoming increasingly more aware that the Player wasn't coming back for me anytime soon.

"There's sure to be a cave or two around here," I thought wearily. "It might be a good idea to find a place to sleep for the night."

I walked along the base of the larger hills for a little while, and sure enough, I found a cave, nestled in among the boulders. Too tired to bother with searching it for wild animals first, I crawled a few feet inside and plopped myself down for a much-needed nap. "Stupid Player..." I can remember mumbling as I drifted off to sleep...

I awoke with a start early the next morning. Groggily rolling up onto my feet, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and glanced around. I had the distinct feeling that something had startled me awake. "What is it this time?" I wondered aloud in a very cranky voice. I cautiously crept to the cave entrance and peered outside. The fresh morning air smelled pretty good, and I could see no sign of anything threatening, so I decided to take the chance and come out for a look around.

"Jigglypuff!" Something squealed loudly behind me. Crying aloud in alarm and surprise, I jumped away from the sound, and - turning a somersault in mid-air - flipped around to see what had made it. The strangest sight met my eyes. On the spot right behind where I had been standing, stood a round, puffy, pink... _thing_. At first glance I thought I was looking into some kind of strange distorted mirror, but then I noticed that there were differences between me and it. It had rounded, almost triangular ears atop its round body, and enormous blue eyes. It stared at me with what appeared to be great interest, and what I assumed to be its cheeks had a distinctly reddish hue. I also noticed that, tucked up next to its right ear was a small white flower which resembled a daisy. Whatever it was, it was most likely female.

"Jigglypuff! Jiggle-ee!" She cried with delight, bouncing over to me before I had a chance to react. She bounced around me a couple of times, making a sort of giggling sound as she did so. I was rather unnerved by her erratic behavior, but as she didn't look angry or scared, I wasn't sure if she intended to do me harm or not, so I thought it best not to do anything to provoke her yet. Suddenly she stopped bouncing around and landed in front of me, barely inches away from my face. "Puff! Jiggly!" She cooed in a strangely soothing, calming tone.

"What!" I cried in a confused and rather concerned voice as she began rubbing her cheek against mine. "What do you want? Hey, stop it!" I gasped when she did something altogether too strange for me to handle. She... she KISSED me! Right on the cheek!

"Jigglypuuufff!" She giggled, backing away a couple of steps and _blushing_ at me.

"Good gravy," I thought with a silent groan. The thing thought she was in love with me!

"Now... now, you just wait a minute!" I said nervously, backing away as she advanced on me with an almost _hungry_ look in her eyes. "I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone right now... I'm what you'd call a professional bachelor. Yeah... yeah, so why don't you lay off, okay?"

"Jigglypuff! Puff!" She crooned. It was easy to see that she wasn't going to be easily dissuaded. And she obviously couldn't understand a word of what I was saying. Things were becoming ridiculous.

Suddenly she pulled what looked like a microphone out of Player knows where, and holding it up in front of her, she closed her eyes like she was deep in thought. It looked like she was going to give a speech or something.

"Listen, I just don't have time for this!" I said in exasperation. "I've gotta figure out a way to get back home!"

But she didn't pay any attention to me. She opened her eyes, and began to sing a soft, sweet song. I can't really put it into words... it had a really strange effect on my senses. All I can remember is hearing the melody and thinking how calming and relaxing it was. And after that, I don't remember a thing.

The next thing I CAN remember is waking up in a patch of grass next to her, with her sleeping alongside me, and what appeared to be a large egg tucked snugly between us. As I looked first at her, and then at the egg, I suddenly had the most sickening, gutwrenching feeling I'd ever felt in my life. What in the name of all that is puffy did I _DO_!

I began whimpering like a little baby, suddenly saturated with self-loathing and self-pity all at once. My life had been ruined, and it hadn't even been with someone of the same species! My sobbing must have awakened her, because she rolled up onto her feet and looked at me curiously. "Jiggly?" She asked me.

"I have no idea what you're saying," I sobbed. "This just can't be happening!"

"Jigglypuff!" She said, her expression turning to what looked unmistakenly like anger. "Jigglypuff! Jiggly!" She cried, grabbing the egg and snatching it away from me. She set it down a few feet away, and stomped over to me again. "Jig-gl-y-puff!" She exclaimed, slapping me on each syllable. The action took me so completely off guard that just looked at her in bewilderment.

"What was that for?" I wondered aloud.

"Jiggly!" She cried, this time in a much louder, angrier voice. She raised one of her arms high, and then brought it down on my head violently. And then she pounded me like that a second time. After that, I thought it best to take that as my cue to exit. I scrambled back to my feet and ran for my life, with her hollering things like "Pu!" and "Jiggle!" after me as I went. It was then that I noticed that not far off stood none other than Player Shuko. At first I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but all at once every instinct in my body told me it was time to give her a piece of my mind.

"Hey! Player!" I shouted, running up to her and screeching to a stop, panting and rubbing what were quickly turning into painful red lumps where that thing had popped me on the head. "I want some words with you!"

"Oh, hi Kirby!" She exclaimed excitedly. "I wanted to pop in and see how you've been getting along! Have you found any lovely ladies that you like yet?"

"Lovely ladies!" I asked her in disbelief. "I was just... just... _used_ by some kind of creature, and you ask me about _lovely ladies_!"

"Creature?" She asked me, putting a hand over her eyes and peering across the grassy plain to where that weird thing was still sitting with the egg. "Do you mean that Jigglypuff back there?"

"I guess that's what it is," I growled, indignance welling up inside me. "She did something to me, and put me to sleep with some weird singing. When I woke up there was this egg there, and then she attacked me!"

"Oh Kirby, you poor thing!" The player wailed, scooping me up in her arms and cradling me like some kind of blasted infant. "Of all the girls to get involved with! You chose a _Jigglypuff_? Kirby, that was the worst kind to fall for! Jigglypuff separate once the egg is laid! She'll never want to see you again now! Oh, you poor thing!"

"Just... just take me home," I said angrily, my face flushing as I felt more embarrassed than I ever had in my life. "I don't want to stay in this place any longer. Okay?"

* * *

And there you have it. Poor Kirby. Is he truly destined to forever be unlucky in love? I hope that someday he will find a girl who'll stay by him forever, unlike that fickle Jigglypuff. Good luck, Kirby, you hapless guy! I'm rooting for you!

That's all for today's tale, my lovely readers. Next time, I'll share the story of how I found poor, lonely Fox McCloud the best pet he could ever want! Until next time, Game On!


End file.
